In the middle of a presentation, my laptop crashed and wouldn’t turn back on. I had checks issued from the wrong bank account, I had a check deposited to the wrong credit card. A dozen things to do last minute as we are about to leave again for a trip.
I have been told it’s because of mercury retrograde. When communication gets all fudged up– whether technology or just basic miscommunication with clients, loved ones or even the government.
I have always loved superstitious beliefs and having something to blame has always removed responsibility from my end or even blame on others because we have something to point at other than carelessness, not being mindful, lack of due diligence and communication. Well why the hell not? We have been taught as well to acknowledge that every blessing or success we receive is because of a greater power that led us to this.
Last night I was reminded of my dad and how quickly he went without saying goodbye. I felt a sense of relief– a presence as if he was there, and I just sobbed. Then I thought, what if there is nothing beyond this. Nothing beyond us. Nothing bigger and more powerful than us. What if when we die, that’s it. There is no heaven and when we go, as our consciousness would cease to exist along with our brain cells, then we are just memories in the consciousness of others. And maybe eternal life is having enough impact that our existence is just carried in the consciousness of the living.
My husband thinks it’s sad when I have these existential thoughts when I start questioning even my faith.
Then in the middle of sleeping and waking, as if I was prodded, I remember whispering to dad on his death bed to find me a baby girl. Then that dream I had with him giving me a baby girl the day before I got the call that we got rocio. Or the many miracles leading to his death and even after. How answers to prayers came right on time so that I would know it’s not a coincidence. Let me reiterate the timeliness. It didn’t happen before or way after. Answers that seem to miraculously appear where you feel you have been saved. You feel that grace.
Coincidence. Maybe it’s just a coincidence. It can all be coincidences. But how amazing, uncannily perfect, how weirdly apt the coincidences happened.
Is it better to look at them as coincidences? Good or bad– blessings or mishaps, would it be better to see them as mere patches of situations that simply happened at the right time or maybe it is something bigger than us? Would it be better to say, “whew! That was lucky!” Or would it be better to think that retrogrades and blessings are greater orchestrations of something beyond us that shake things up a bit and orchestrate things back in order. Maybe it’s a greater hand doing a Marie Kondo in our lives to make space for something better.
Would it be better to not believe in anything behind all this? Because maybe, Maybe it’s God? To not disregard that it could be God. It must be. The Orchestration of this universe, to the movement of every speck that changes an entire atom, an entire matter, and an entire world. Maybe it’s retrograde and maybe it’s luck. I bet most of you are blown beyond belief sometimes to even think it’s just us. So it could be, should be, bigger than us.